Tag Archives: wedding dress

“Never Do Anything For The First Time.”

14 Jun

That quote may or may not be historically accurate, but according to legend it was uttered by a Supreme Court justice giving advice on how the American legal system works.  Obviously this can’t be taken seriously since nothing new would happen, ever.  We would never have gone to the moon, the Ipod wouldn’t be connected to everyone’s ears, and Lady Gaga would exist only in our imaginations.   But you might want to keep it in mind when you are thinking about your wedding plans.  We’re assuming that you have already ignored the justice’s wisdom and made the huge decision to join your life to someone else’s for keeps, so now it’s on to the other big items on the list.  First and foremost is clearly the dress, an intensely personal decision that can be made on instant impulse or after months of agonized comparison shopping.  But aside from the dress, in my experience there’s one thing a bride thinks about more than anything, especially on the day of the wedding.

Champagne and curlers: the ultimate in bridal fashion.

Hair.  It rarely cooperates, does it? No matter how much time you spend trying to wrangle it, it always seems to end up doing whatever it wants, photos and special events be damned.  In this culture, only your weight gets more critical attention than your hairstyle in the constant hail storm of advertising and unsolicited self-help chatter.  But as you look at all those magazines and on line photos of brides wearing their hair “just so,” keep your wits about you.  Every time you see a new hairstyle and wonder how it would look on you, remember those are professional models with a phalanx of stylists working on them, and none of them attended a rehearsal dinner the night before where their future mother-in-law raised holy hell about some part of the wedding that was being done all wrong.  Not one of those ladies in the photos is hung over, or stayed up all night making personal place cards.  And the photographers are very skilled at flattering lighting and angles, as well as the corrective enhancements of post-production software.  There’s no rain or blazing sun in that studio, and the only wind is from the gentle fans placed strategically to make the model’s locks look utterly fabulous.

A great style if you’re getting married in a zero-gravity chamber.

Of course, there are ways to deal with this seemingly impossible challenge: professional help, intense amounts of product, industrial-strength devices. And sometimes the best solution can be drastic action: a fabulous Victoria Beckham bob or even a total color change. Changing up the situation atop your brain can be a great way to re-set a bad year or just gain a pile of confidence, but consider that it may not be in your best interests to make serious changes right before what will probably be the most photographed day of your life.  It’s likely the only time when you will invite a near stranger into your parents’ house or your hotel room to spend hours making you look like someone else.  Remember they work for you, and you’re the one who should make the decisions on how you want to look.  And keep in mind that your future spouse fell in love with you the way you are, hairstyle and all, and may not be bowled over when you walk down the aisle with a completely different look.

Of course, it’s your head, your hair, your life, and your wedding.  One bride kept repeating “I’m a real blonde!” to me when the evidence to the contrary was right there in her mirror.  She had medium brown hair, and there’s no filter to make someone’s locks a different color in the photos after the fact.  So if you want to look like a blonde, be blonde. Ditto for brunette, Emma Stone’s pre-”Spiderman” red locks, Nicki Minaj cotton-candy pink – whatever. But make sure it’s what you really want, because even Photoshop has limits.  You’d be better off saving the trouble and just wearing a wig instead — as long as it’s not too windy.

It works for her. I wonder what the grandchildren will think.

It works for her. I wonder what the grandchildren will think.

So how about it?  Did you make a radical hairstyle change, or stick with your standard?  Any hair-raising (sorry) stories?

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“By The Power Vested In… Who?”

12 Jun

Ready, willing, and able to perform the duties required.

My goal in writing this blog is to entertain you at the same time as I’m giving you helpful advice to get you through your wedding planning process with the least amount of stress and elevated blood pressure.  In other words, I’m almost always telling you to calm down, take a deep breath, and enjoy the journey.  Almost.

I’m sure you can come up with countless nightmare wedding scenarios if you let your imagination run wild, but almost (there’s that word again) all of them can be dealt with by reminding yourself of one fact: by the end of the day you’ll be married to the most wonderful person in the world, and everyone will have had an outrageously good time.  The limo breaks down?  Other people can drive you there.  The flowers get delivered to the same address in the wrong town?  People have gotten flowers on very short notice before.  You spill something on your dress an hour before you’re supposed to go to the church?  That’s what Miracle Moms are for.  And the weather?  It is, as the philosopher said, what it is.

But there is one item you actually can’t do without on your wedding day.  No, it’s not the rings, the food, or the musical accompaniment.  It’s the person who has to perform the legally sanctioned duties of the officiant.  Without that individual the whole day becomes a very enjoyable, but not legally binding, show.

Obviously, it’s impossible that Father Mike or Rabbi Bernie or Yogi Julia or whomever you may have chosen to preside over your nuptials is going to back out. Almost (grrr) always when people say they’ll be there for something like a wedding, they’ll be there. But things happen.  People make mistakes on their calendars, family emergencies occur, streets get flooded, and cars break down.  (Again, I’m sorry to add to your list of worries rather than reducing it, but I’ll offer solutions too!)  Sadly, once in a while you’re standing there with nobody to actually marry you (in the transitive sense, for you other grammar nerds). Though your officiant may have a hard-and-fast contract signed with you and a rock-solid religious affiliation, sometimes God (or whatever you believe in) has other plans.  This is when it might be wise to put a little faith in the great institution of the American government and come up with a contingency plan in advance.

Yes, we’re serious. Many representatives or other local officials have the power to marry couples legally as far as the state is concerned. Obviously, this depends on the particular state and its corresponding marriage laws, but we assume you’ve done your research on those by now.  It’s often a perfectly acceptable way to get the job done.  And after all, it’s not like your local rep has anything more exciting to do — your wedding probably beats appraising budget proposals or revising parking regulations or whatever it is people do at those uncomfortable-looking desks. Just promise him or her some free food, and you’ll be good to go.

This guy can do it all.

Remember those old movies when someone pipes up that a ship’s captain has the authority to perform marriages on his vessel, and that saves the day?  Maybe that applies to other authority figures, like a mayor or police chief or fire captain.  It might be worth a phone call or internet search just to put your mind at ease.  For the record, I’ve only seen this happen once in the hundreds of weddings I’ve attended, and that one had a happy ending with the aforementioned state rep filling in for a member of the clergy who fell ill.

And who knows? If you show your local pol a good enough time, maybe you can even get all those parking tickets forgiven!

I know this is (thank heaven) exceedingly rare, but did anyone have an experience like this?  What was your solution?  Did you have to fly off to Las Vegas to make it official?

Perfectly legal on Tatooine.

My Pinterest and Facebook are always legally binding!

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“It’s Good You Should Eat!”

10 Jun

According to legend, that line is the timeless cliche uttered by everyone’s Jewish grandma or aunt or mother no matter how many helpings you’ve already had of the amazing spread on the holiday table.  I’m not sure if my own grandmother (a Goldstein, for those keeping score at home) actually ever said those precise words, but the sentiment was ever present.  And never has this sentence been more appropriate than on the day of your wedding.  Now I’m sounding like one of your parents (something I really try to avoid), but trust me here.  If you don’t fill your stomach you are courting disaster.  I guarantee those pounds you lost through dieting and Pilates in the six months before your wedding day will NOT horrifically reappear because you eat breakfast eight hours before the ceremony.  (Unless of course you chow down on that new Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich from Dunkies.  I felt my arteries clogging just reading about it.)

Probably better than nothing, but don’t make a habit of it.

With all the commotion and anxiety flying around in the 24 hours before a wedding, we know how easy it is to “forget” — or simply feel too busy — to eat. Here’s a helpful hint: You are not too busy to eat. Delegate everything if you have to, but it’s absolutely essential that you get some food in your stomach both before and during the whole shenanigan. In fact, delegate the responsibility to make sure you eat to a trusted attendant (probably not your mother, because you’ve heard it too many times from her over the years when you were trying to slim down to fit into your prom dress).  Each of us has our own “normal” routine when it comes to eating, whether you think breakfast is a nice bowl of oatmeal or last night’s leftover pepperoni pizza (Ding Dongs do NOT count).  But whatever you do, make an effort to eat what you normally consume for breakfast (unless your normal is nothing washed down with coffee).  And if the ceremony isn’t until later in the day, do the same for lunch.  What you are doing is telling your digestive tract that this is just another day like any other, and to please ignore those gallons of adrenaline and excess stomach acid churning through your body.  You need to do this even if your physical state is somewhere south of optimal after whatever you did the night before the wedding day.  In fact, that’s when you need it the most.

Not a breakfast food. In fact, not a food at all.

We’ve seen way too many brides who couldn’t find the time or the serenity to eat something substantial during the last several hours before the ceremony — and we’ve seen those same brides feeling dizzy, nauseous or just plain over-inebriated later on in the day. Nobody wants to spend the theoretical Happiest Day of Her Life trying just to stay vertical.  I’ve seen more than one bride carried off after barely making it through the ceremony.  I’m not making that up.

Here’s the recipe for disaster, and it works every time:

  1. Get extremely nervous before the rehearsal dinner because there’s bad weather predicted for tomorrow.  Don’t eat at the dinner, but drink lots of sparkly liquids.
  2. Stay up almost all night before the wedding day because you’re reliving a junior high school slumber party with your best friends when you weren’t allowed to stay up all night.  Eat lots of stuff that comes out of plastic/metallic bags in which sugar, sodium, and unpronounceable chemicals are the sole ingredients.  Drink much beer or more sparkly liquids.
  3. Feel like you want to vomit in the morning.  Therefore, skip breakfast or anything like it.
  4. Become very agitated as it comes time to get ready and into your dress, and therefore skip lunch.  But continue to drink things you don’t normally imbibe during the hours before sundown.
  5. Refuse to eat anything else once you are made up and in your dress.  This is actually a smart idea based on what I’ve seen, but if you followed steps 1-4 you’re likely beyond help anyway.
  6. Feel worse than you’ve ever felt in your adult lifetime as you prepare for the biggest occasion of said lifetime.

Again, trust us.  You do not want to experience your wedding day in an altered state brought on by nutritional deprivation.  Do whatever is necessary to remember this: write “FOOD” on your hand, assign one of your bridesmaids to be on bridal snack duty, hang bags of trail mix from the ceiling — we don’t care about the method. We just care that you get enough nutrition and energy to make it through the day. Because let’s be real: you’re probably already so nervous you feel like you’re going to pass out. Don’t give your body a good reason to do it.

And how about you?  Did you eat before the wedding?  Any good ideas, or bad experiences?  Were those Mimosas and Bloody Marys a smart choice?

My Pinterest and Facebook always have plenty to chew on!

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The Canine Conundrum: Does Your Dog Want To Be In The Wedding?

5 Jun

Uh-oh. Is he really going to…?

Since we are well into the season for lovely outdoor weddings, it’s time to discuss an issue that is pretty exclusively limited to ceremonies held in an open space (at least I hope so).  There are many among us to whom our pooch is an almost best friend (I’m jumping to the conclusion that your future spouse is in that spot for now, until he/she inevitably occupies – forgive me – the dog house).  So how you could leave that adorable pal out of the most important event of your young life?  Well, I can think of a few reasons.  As always, I’m not trying to tell you what to do, since the wedding is all about the two of you and should be as close to exactly what you want (perfect?) as possible.

But no matter how much you adore your dog, or how well-behaved he/she is on a regular basis, there’s some potential for catastrophe when you involve a four-legged family member in the actual wedding ceremony.  Sure, it’s an outrageously adorable idea, and yes, I’ve seen it done successfully on many occasions.  And frankly it has the potential to make me happy because if the pictures work, it will look wonderful and people will “awwwwww” over it for years. But, the emphasis is on if.

Don’t get me wrong: Dogs are great. I love dogs! All they want is to be with their best friends and play.  Or lie down.  Or put paw prints on your dress.  Or sleep.  Or chase something.  Or slobber on someone.  I’m just not convinced (as some people seem to be) that dogs are people. Yes, both people and dogs can follow directions, to an extent, depending on both the person and the dog. (There have been several occasions when the behavior of some of the other members of a particularly rowdy wedding party made me wonder if the dog was the best behaved among them, but once again I digress.)  Yes, both are capable of walking in a straight line (until later in the evening). But honestly, one of these options (the dog, we hope) is far more likely to stop for a brief territory-marking session against one of your guest’s chairs — or worse, take an amorous interest in one of said guest’s legs. Granted, a photo of Bruno getting up close and personal with Great-Aunt Gladys’s left thigh would have comedic value, but you have to ask yourself how much you want your ceremony to be a cause for seat squirming giggles (and/or slightly offended family members).  And I’m convinced dogs actually have more of a case of nerves doing something so completely un-doglike (who are all these people and WHY ARE THEY LOOKING AT ME?) that they are far more likely to embarrass themselves and you.

“I can’t believe they made me wear this outfit. When we get home I’m ruining the living room rug.”

And we admit we haven’t discussed it with them at length, but we imagine that dogs, like teenagers, don’t really have much interest in putting on fancy clothes and standing around for several hours. They’d rather be outside frolicking, or inside chewing on your new dancing shoes. If your puppy is such an integral family member that you couldn’t possibly dream of excluding him/her from the whole shenanigan, then maybe just grab a big fancy neck bow and have your baby stand out front as the world’s most adorable greeter/usher. We promise it’ll be just as cute, and less fraught with peril.

When it comes to puppies prancing down the aisle, though (please don’t make the pup the actual ring-bearer), I would ask you to consider the words of a legendary football coach on why he didn’t like pass plays: “Three things can happen, and two of them are bad.”  But as always, it’s your call, and by all means have Snuffy in the wedding if it would break your heart to leave him out.  Most of the time it works just fine…

But go ahead! Prove us wrong! Anyone have a great dog-in-a-wedding story to challenge our doubts?  Or one in which things didn’t go quite according to plan?

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The Agony Of The Feet

3 Jun

Their magic must be very powerful or they wouldn’t hurt so much!

Yes, we know. Those shoes are very cute. They look fabulous when you’re standing absolutely still in front of the mirror. Leaning on a friend for support. And not really breathing too much in case oxygen throws off your center of balance. But once you take a few steps… not so much. It’s not worth breaking an ankle for the sake of footwear that may not even be visible from under your dress (although there’s a dissenting opinion cited later).  Your maid of honor might literally be the only person to see those shoes all day when she helps you into them because you can no longer view anything below your waist.  Now no one is suggesting you should do anything that will make you look less than fabulous, but remember there is a reality in play here.  You will have to move in those shoes.  You will likely need to march down an aisle or something like it (maybe soft turf that swallows heels like a black hole), while already managing a gown that’s not your standard mode of apparel.  Assuming all goes well you will also want to dance the night away.  And there’s all that adrenaline and nervous energy making you just a bit unsteady to begin with.

Since you’re an adult (or so we’re assuming. This blog does not in any way condone underage nuptials), you know that the key to successful style is to dress for the occasion. This is just as true for weddings as it is for the opera, theme parties or bowling night. Unlike some nights out, your shoes are not the center of attention here. You are.  And the last thing you want is for all that attention to be focused on you limping through your reception, or wincing as you try to finish your first dance while thinking more about blisters than about your new spouse. Plus, you’re forcing the photographer to work a whole lot harder to make you look happy.  And do you want to spend the first day and night at your exotic honeymoon destination soaking your poor mistreated feet?  Didn’t think so.  (This applies to men as well, believe it or not.  Rule One: NEVER wear brand new shoes at your wedding.  Never.  Don’t ask me how I know this.)

Our blog heartily endorses this solution.

Hey, if you have some killer heels you’re just dying to rock for the formal photos, be our guest (technically, you are in fact your own guest. But let’s not get caught up in semantics). Show off those Louboutins to your heart’s content — and maybe send us a pair if you have some extras lying around? Size six-and-a-half? Anyone? But once the photos are done, why drive yourself crazy hobbling around? And getting drunk enough that you don’t notice how much your feet hurt is not a solution. Leave those antics to the bridesmaids.

We can only endorse wearing uncomfortable shoes in the interest of creating high drama (and some great photo ops).  At one outdoor wedding we witnessed a bride who got sick of her heels getting stuck in the grass on every step, so halfway down the hill to the altar she kicked them off and finished the ceremony barefoot. This is a totally acceptable response to inappropriate footwear. And if you’re one of those ladies who honestly would rather break her ankle than look short (we met one very adamant bridesmaid who told us exactly this), at least do what you can to minimize your risk. And maybe make sure someone at the reception has an ice pack.

Is this what you had in mind when you picked out those dazzling shoes?

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Not Invited? Maybe You Should Thank Them!

29 May

That’s a lot of plane tickets. And at least six dresses no one will ever wear again.

We’ve already talked about the angst involved in paring down the invitation list to a manageable number, and whether it’s in your best interest to let people know who aren’t being invited so they can make other plans for that Saturday a few months from now.  That and the cost of your wedding are almost certainly the most intense contributors to your pre-nuptial stress.  Everybody knows that weddings can be an expensive proposition, setting back those paying the bills an average of around $28K in the US.  There’s the dress and the venue and the music and the food and the photography (sorry!) all adding to the price of entry.  And according to The Knot, about a quarter of this year’s weddings will be of the destination type, requiring travel to exotic locales.  But I have to admit I hadn’t given any thought to how expensive it is for those whose only responsibility is to show up and express their love and/or affection for the couple getting married.  Maybe that’s because I get paid to go to almost every wedding I attend, rather than having to shell out a substantial part of my monthly take-home pay in order to enjoy a free dinner and some dancing.  (And it could help explain why getting a plate of food from some caterers is like asking for their first born child; they know I got in for free!)  But thanks to one of my favorite fellow bloggers, I now know it’s no small decision whether to accept an invitation when it means you might be eating ramen for the rest of the month as you pay off your bills.

According to a survey by American Express, 69 million of us will attend a wedding this year and the average guest (there must be a better way to phrase that) will need to part with $539 (up fifty percent over last year!) to say yes to that lovely engraved invitation.  How can that be true, you might ask?  The math is pretty simple, actually.  About a third goes to travel, a third to something new to wear, and another third for the wedding gift.  Now clearly you can cut some corners on this, but it’s still a considerable commitment when you consider that the average (ouch! there it is again) wedding guest is in their mid- to late twenties and not yet at the top of the earning pyramid.  And if you have the (mis?)fortune to be tapped to be in the wedding party, you can rack up even more renting a tux or (in the case of bridesmaids) buying a dress you wouldn’t be caught dead in again at anything but a zombie costume party.  More than two-thirds of bridesmaids say they will either give their dress to a thrift shop or family friend, and the other third probably lied to the person taking the survey.  At least the guys get to take their outfits back so someone else can pay to wear it.

130508104455-wedding-travel-cost-620xa

Which brings us to the curious case of Christopher Sledzik.  Yes, THAT Christopher Sledzik (the guy on the right in the picture).  The one who attended twelve weddings last year, three as a member of the bridal party, at a cost of somewhere in the neighborhood of $10,000.  Well you might ask if Chris sold his internet startup for a billion dollars or is the sole heir to a Saudi oil fortune, but no.  He’s a 27-year-old guy with a good job who really wanted to be there for his friends, even if it meant putting that entire $10K on a credit card he’ll be paying off for years.  If there were a poster child for Most Devoted Wedding Guest Ever, he would be found in that photo above.

So I promise I’ll be more understanding the next time a caterer seems a little reluctant to give food to me, one of the chosen few who will be better off financially when the last dance is over.  And I’ll be sure to remember Chris Sledzik.

What do you think?  Have you had to pay too much to attend a wedding?  Is there any way around this, especially for the wedding party?  And are you one of the few bridesmaids who has actually worn the dress another time?  Once again, we’d love to hear.

My Pinterest and Facebook always say yes to invitations!

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I Love You. You’re Perfect. Now Change?

22 May

Those highlights are a bit much, don’t you think?

Even though I’ve never done it myself (that hasn’t prevented me from offering my opinions before, so why stop now?), I’ve seen the transformation from “woman” to “bride” so many times that I think I can come up with some general advice for those about to go through the process.  With the possible exception of prom night, never does a female human being put up with so much self-inflicted scrutiny of her appearance than in those months, sometimes longer, leading up to her wedding day.  Every aspect of her outward being is put through a series of tests so rigorous that Aphrodite herself would be found wanting in just about every way imaginable.  Too short?  Too tall?  Too heavy?  Too thin (yes, it is possible)?  Hair too dark?  Too light?  Too curly?  Too straight?  What if we just change the hairstyle and go from blond to brunette and wear heels all the time and join the gym and cut out ice cream and lose fifteen pounds?  You might even spend more time with your reflection in the mirror than you do with your spouse to be.

So let’s take a deep breath, turn away from that reflection, and think about this for a minute.  Why are you here in the first place?  I’ll tell you.  It’s because someone fell in love with you and wants to spend the rest of his or her life with you.  JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.  Your partner didn’t fall in love with some rail-thin model draped in a size zero gown, perfectly coiffed and made up and looking seductively out from the cover of a bride magazine.  No, they fell in love with YOU.  And the person at the other end of that aisle likes your hair and your face because they reflect the person within who has captured his or her heart.  So why in the name of Joan Rivers would you want to transform yourself into another life form?

Again, I’ll tell you.  Because the wedding/industrial complex wants you to.  They want to sell you the full fantasy so you’ll buy lots of expensive products to enable you to look like the model on that magazine cover that your future husband couldn’t care less about.  Now I’m not for a minute saying a bride shouldn’t want to look beautiful on her wedding day, and I’m not so blind as to say all beauty comes from within.  But you don’t want that first look your groom has of you in your wedding gown to be one of confusion.  The fantasy TV shows that offer the winner a complete transformation are just that: fantasy.  In the Jewish tradition the groom lifts the bride’s veil to confirm he’s marrying the right woman, and you don’t want him to have to look hard to make sure.

The sad truth is that I’ve seen quite a few brides work so hard to be glamorous on their wedding day that they lose what was attractive about them in the first place.   Most makeup artists are talented and sensitive people, but some seem to feel they’re getting paid by the pound of product they layer onto the bride.  What makes me cringe is that they always say, “This will look great in the pictures!”  Trust me.  If it looks good in real life, it will look good in the pictures.  And if you look like someone whose makeup was applied with a trowel, it will look like that in the photos too.  I’ve photographed hundreds of brides, and in almost all cases, less was more in the makeup department.  And do you want to risk a radical change to your hair (color, length, style) on this particular day?  If you want it, go for it, but remember he already likes your hair.  And it’s probably best not to buy your dress a size too small to provide incentive to lose weight.  If you succeed, you can always have the dress taken in.  It’s a lot harder to hold your breath for nine or ten hours.

So here’s the bottom line: you are already beautiful to the one person who matters most.  You’re not being held up to any other standard so don’t fall for all the hype and fantasy.  That process of transformation into a bride should make you feel wonderful about yourself, just the way you are.  So when you go back to that mirror, smile at what you see.

Happiness. The real deal.

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Once You’re Dressed, Don’t Go In The Kitchen Without A Bodyguard.

15 May

For The Bride, A Chamber Of Horrors!

The process of being transformed into “The Bride” (a form of life unlike any other) can be so all-consuming that said person might forget she is, well, still a person.  Yes, a living, breathing, eating, drinking, sleeping, and tooth-brushing being who still has the basic needs and limitations shared by everyone in the human race.  There’s no question when you put on the white dress, the world treats you differently.  But not so Mother Nature, or Sir Isaac Newton’s famous laws.  The same rules still apply as when you’re in your college hoodie and pajama pants.  As much as everyone keeps repeating that you’re the most beautiful of all God’s creations (which is of course true), underneath all that silk and lace you are still: you, the person who spilled a chocolate shake all over your prom date.

And if you’re the kind of young woman who has trouble getting the forkful of pasta into her mouth without half of it ending up on the table cloth, that limitation hasn’t been dispensed with.  If it’s unlikely the sip of wine won’t occasionally dribble down your chin and onto that sweatshirt, this time it will end up on your wedding dress.  And if you are among the less graceful of us, being attired in a gown that came straight from heaven won’t magically endow you with the cat-like grace of your cat.

The messiest stuff you are allowed to approach is your makeup, and unless you are the ethereally poised Kate Middleton famously doing her own face (with half the British Empire standing by to fix it if you mess it up), you’ll have a makeup artist or a sister to corral it for you.  So herewith some rules to live by, based on my observation of catastrophes and near misses.  Fellow clumsy people, these are for us.

Once you are in your wedding dress:

  • Don’t open the fridge.
  • Don’t look at the fridge from across the room.
  • Don’t even venture into the kitchen until someone else has gone in first to secure the perimeter.

However, this is not to say you shouldn’t eat. Please, please eat before your wedding – because drinking five glasses of wine on an empty stomach to calm your nerves can only end in disaster (and/or some unseemly personal revelations). But do not do it in your dress. Or, if you absolutely must, having been previously forced into your gown at gunpoint or under duress of threats from your mother, at least cocoon yourself in Saran Wrap first. No matter how silly you think you look donning an apron to eat a few bites of cheese and crackers, it pales in comparison to how it would feel to walk down the aisle with brie smudged all over your bodice.  And just to be on the safe side, consume only colorless food (Cottage cheese? Yes.  Blueberry jam? Don’t think so.) and pale liquids (Pinot Gris, not Noir).

Suffice it to say the common sense that should determine these decisions is not as common as it should be.  I’ve seen some real disasters, and heroic recoveries, as a result of misplaced consumables.  But some of these stories are too terrifying to relate in polite company, so I won’t.  Don’t make me tell you the story about the bride and the jar of pasta sauce. Seriously, don’t.  If you are a bride, I promise it will give you nightmares for longer than the original of the Alien series. In fact, it’s better that we never speak of it again.

Not nearly as scary as an open fridge.

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“Perfect” Is A Fantasy. Reality Is Much More Interesting.

6 May

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Just clouds, or rain on the way?  Whatever happens, you’ll get married and have a great time.

Okay, as we plunge headlong into peak wedding season, let’s get this one out of the way immediately. NOTHING. IS. EVER. PERFECT.  Seriously, has anything ever been perfect?  I’ve seen so many brides, mothers, sisters, maids of honor, and even ancient aunts ruin their makeup with anguished tears as they reach for that unattainable mirage of perfection forced on them by the Wedding Industrial Complex.  They would be so much better off taking what real life serves up and enjoying it as it comes, whether it fits in the grand plan or not.

You know what might be a good idea? As soon as you start getting into wedding-planning-crazy mode (anywhere from a year to two weeks before the Big Day, whatever works for you), make a point to stand in front of your mirror and repeat this to yourself at least five times. It won’t take you to Kansas, but it might snap you back a little closer to reality.

Of course you want everything to be wonderful. It’s your day. Most of us get stressed enough about the nuances of planning and pulling off a successful office party – the effort that goes into a wedding can be enough to fry the rational processing abilities of even the most well-adjusted lady. You’re totally within your rights to panic about the difference between periwinkle and baby blue, and to demand that everyone around you treat this as a completely normal cause of anxiety.

But here’s the thing: like I said oh, about three sentences ago, it’s YOUR day. It doesn’t belong to your mother, it certainly doesn’t belong to your mother-in-law, and it definitely has nothing to do with your friend who always shows up to weddings in a dress better suited for a club in Seaside Heights. You’re getting married. You’re spending the rest of your life with the person waiting for you at the end of that aisle – not with your flower arrangement. Of those two, it’s far more important that one show up all in one piece, with the proper accessories, than the other. You get one guess which it is.  And you want him or her to stick around a lot longer than your bouquet.

Are those roses white, ivory, bone, cream, or champagne? Who cares? They’re beautiful, and so are you.

The only thing that matters is: did you have a good time, and (if you’re feeling generous) did your new spouse have a good time? If you did, everyone else did. There’s almost certainly a law (Martha Stewart’s Third Law of Nuptial Bliss?) dictating that the guests’ enjoyment must reflect – but not surpass – that of the bride.

Remind yourself of this when you’re spending that quality time with your mirror (there will be a lot of that in the next few months, so you might as well make the best of it). And it probably couldn’t hurt to suggest that your mother do it, too.

So one more time, all together now: Nothing, is ever, perfect. (Except for perfect games, but your wedding is presumably not a baseball game. If however for some magical reason it is, I would very much like to be invited.)

My Pinterest and Facebook  aren’t perfect, but they’re close!

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Take Me Out To The Wedding!

22 Apr

Now batting…

It’s finally spring in our part of the country.   I know, I know, some of you alternate between spring and summer all year long, but for us the first sign of green growth and wild critters going after each other with mischief on their little minds makes us warm all over, even if it’s not sunny every day.  But the snow is gone, the short skirts are out of the closets, and the college students still have on the flip-flops they wore all winter anyway.  So what do young couples start to think about as they stroll through lush parks and alongside swollen rivers?  You guessed it.  Baseball!

Admittedly we live in a baseball crazed region, our cultural identity defined by unyielding (and many times foolish) loyalty to the local nine.  We even insist on hurling insults at a team from just south of here that has traditionally beaten the crap out of us for the last hundred years or so.  So it’s only natural that many couples want to combine their love of each other with their affection for our boys of summer.  There was a time a few years ago when the team was so uncharacteristically successful that no wedding reception ended without some genuflection to our unexpected championship team.  I’m serious.  Every wedding speech included some reference to the World Series, and anyone who dared to mention that team from just south of here was booed and mercilessly shouted down.  Wedding cakes were decorated with the team logo, or constructed to look like the beloved little ball park.  Wedding parties posed as if playing the national game on the lawn outside the reception hall.  My favorite was a couple who each had nine attendants in the wedding party.  During the formal photos (quite a challenge with twenty people) I joked that they had enough for a baseball game and they said, in unison, “That’s why we did it.”  My kind of people.

We’ve all seen televised proposals during a game with the groom-to-be on his knee in the bleachers, and the blushing (and sometimes reluctant) bride looking at him like he’s completely out of his mind.  There they are on the jumbo screen as thirty thousand of their closest new friends squirm in their seats, hoping she’ll say yes.  I’ve never seen her turn him down, but I know it must happen, and that’s got to put a bigger damper on the day than an A-Rod grand slam.  But if all goes well and she agrees, they can plan to have their wedding reception at the ballpark, an increasingly popular option.

And there’s a certain symmetry to all this.  Spring and baseball have always represented a new beginning, a fresh start, and deeply passionate hopes for the future.  What better metaphor is there for starting a new life together?  “Play Ball” and “I Do.”  A marriage made in heaven, if you ask me.  Tell us if it worked for you.

My Pinterest and Facebook always get a hit!

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