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I Love You. You’re Perfect. Now Change?

22 May

Those highlights are a bit much, don’t you think?

Even though I’ve never done it myself (that hasn’t prevented me from offering my opinions before, so why stop now?), I’ve seen the transformation from “woman” to “bride” so many times that I think I can come up with some general advice for those about to go through the process.  With the possible exception of prom night, never does a female human being put up with so much self-inflicted scrutiny of her appearance than in those months, sometimes longer, leading up to her wedding day.  Every aspect of her outward being is put through a series of tests so rigorous that Aphrodite herself would be found wanting in just about every way imaginable.  Too short?  Too tall?  Too heavy?  Too thin (yes, it is possible)?  Hair too dark?  Too light?  Too curly?  Too straight?  What if we just change the hairstyle and go from blond to brunette and wear heels all the time and join the gym and cut out ice cream and lose fifteen pounds?  You might even spend more time with your reflection in the mirror than you do with your spouse to be.

So let’s take a deep breath, turn away from that reflection, and think about this for a minute.  Why are you here in the first place?  I’ll tell you.  It’s because someone fell in love with you and wants to spend the rest of his or her life with you.  JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.  Your partner didn’t fall in love with some rail-thin model draped in a size zero gown, perfectly coiffed and made up and looking seductively out from the cover of a bride magazine.  No, they fell in love with YOU.  And the person at the other end of that aisle likes your hair and your face because they reflect the person within who has captured his or her heart.  So why in the name of Joan Rivers would you want to transform yourself into another life form?

Again, I’ll tell you.  Because the wedding/industrial complex wants you to.  They want to sell you the full fantasy so you’ll buy lots of expensive products to enable you to look like the model on that magazine cover that your future husband couldn’t care less about.  Now I’m not for a minute saying a bride shouldn’t want to look beautiful on her wedding day, and I’m not so blind as to say all beauty comes from within.  But you don’t want that first look your groom has of you in your wedding gown to be one of confusion.  The fantasy TV shows that offer the winner a complete transformation are just that: fantasy.  In the Jewish tradition the groom lifts the bride’s veil to confirm he’s marrying the right woman, and you don’t want him to have to look hard to make sure.

The sad truth is that I’ve seen quite a few brides work so hard to be glamorous on their wedding day that they lose what was attractive about them in the first place.   Most makeup artists are talented and sensitive people, but some seem to feel they’re getting paid by the pound of product they layer onto the bride.  What makes me cringe is that they always say, “This will look great in the pictures!”  Trust me.  If it looks good in real life, it will look good in the pictures.  And if you look like someone whose makeup was applied with a trowel, it will look like that in the photos too.  I’ve photographed hundreds of brides, and in almost all cases, less was more in the makeup department.  And do you want to risk a radical change to your hair (color, length, style) on this particular day?  If you want it, go for it, but remember he already likes your hair.  And it’s probably best not to buy your dress a size too small to provide incentive to lose weight.  If you succeed, you can always have the dress taken in.  It’s a lot harder to hold your breath for nine or ten hours.

So here’s the bottom line: you are already beautiful to the one person who matters most.  You’re not being held up to any other standard so don’t fall for all the hype and fantasy.  That process of transformation into a bride should make you feel wonderful about yourself, just the way you are.  So when you go back to that mirror, smile at what you see.

Happiness. The real deal.

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Unscheduled Singing: Shock and Awwwww!

20 May

Maybe best left to the professionals?

Most people have very strong opinions about the music they like (Beatles pretty close to universal?), and don’t (Pitbull?)  But that’s nothing compared to their feelings about singers.  The human voice has been referred to as the ultimate musical instrument, and as with any other instrument, some people can play and others shouldn’t try anywhere they can be heard by someone else.  Apparently there once was an agent who thought Rod Stewart could sing, and according to legend someone who thought Adele couldn’t.  There really isn’t any way to reconcile those two ideas.

Which brings us to the music at your wedding.  The big decision usually involves live vs. recorded music, and the sometimes contentious debates with that DJ who thinks he knows your musical tastes better than you do.  With a little advance planning and a conversation or two, all that should work out fine.  But there’s another potential source of musical stress: the unannounced, unsolicited, and unsanctioned song performed by someone who was not paid to do it.  There are two kinds of singing of this type.  Sir George Martin, legendary producer of the aforementioned Beatles, had it right when he said there are only two categories of music: good and bad.  He could easily have been referring to amateur singing at weddings, especially when the performance hasn’t been cleared with the bride and groom.  When it comes to singing, the world’s population is unevenly divided into three categories:

  • Those who know they can, and should sing in public.
  • Those who know they can’t, and would rather have a root canal without novocaine than sing in public.
  • Those who think they can, but should never be allowed to sing in public.

It’s that third group that warrants attention.

There’s nothing sweeter than the father of the bride serenading his daughter on her wedding day – as long as he’s capable of carrying a tune.  And there are few moments quite as cringe-inducing as listening to someone who isn’t in the same area code as the melody trying to serenade a wedding party.  Your dad may fancy himself a bit of an undiscovered talent, but singing in the shower just isn’t the same as standing with a microphone in front of 150 people.  I’ve seen a fair number of great receptions brought to a screeching halt in just this way.  (Then again, I saw one father channel Roy Orbison, complete with the shades, so brilliantly he was the highlight of the party.)  But why do so many of them think they can do Sinatra, arguably the greatest male vocalist of all time?  Wouldn’t it be wise to aim a little lower (Barry White?)

Some fathers aren’t good singers, but they make up for it with a sense of humor, charisma or some killer dance moves (although dad doing his best Gangnam Style is already going the way of the Macarena). If your father/step-father/whoever wants to sing, and you want him to sing, by all means give him the green light to rock the joint. Otherwise, gently remind him he should be content to show off the awesome dance that’s going to make all the other guests insanely jealous of the stellar genes you’ve clearly inherited.

And this goes for anyone else who thinks they should ask for the mic and jam with the band.  It should be up to the bride and groom to decide who gets to perform at their reception, the only exceptions being the couple themselves.  If they want to live out an MTV fantasy, they should have that chance even if their voices aren’t up to it.  After all, they can’t be any worse than Rod Stewart.  Or this sister of the bride.  Don’t listen to the whole video.  It will be too painful.

Did anyone perform an unscripted number at your wedding? We’re all ears — and bad puns, apparently!

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Can’t Buy Me Love? But Then Again…

13 May

Nice. But necessary?

It seems the crowd sourcing idea has taken hold for funding everything from around-the-world dream trips  to new appliances for your circa 1953 kitchen, and lately I’ve been seeing a lot more of it as it relates to weddings and their sometimes unsustainable expenses.  The average American wedding will set you back somewhere in the neighborhood of $28,000, so maybe it makes sense to look outside of your own resources to get what you want in your nuptials.  We’ve already talked about the “honey fund” for underwriting a spectacular honeymoon when your last name isn’t Rockefeller, but it was only recently that I heard this idea applied to the wedding itself.  It’s one thing for the couple to conduct their own version of an NPR pledge drive (don’t you HATE the Mother’s Day fundraiser?) so they don’t have to put off their honeymoon until some unspecified date (twentieth anniversary?), but it’s another thing to host a faux charity benefit before the wedding in order to shake down your friends and family to help defray the costs.  When people are doing this to raise money for truly worthy causes, doesn’t it strike you as a little awkward to do the same kind of thing so you can spend way more than you should in an unrealistic attempt to achieve the Wedding Industrial Complex idea of perfection?  Maybe you take that approach if you have access to boatloads of money, as we’ve talked about before.  But if you don’t (or even if you do and you have better sense than to blow it on stuff that just doesn’t matter), wouldn’t it be wiser to adopt more sensible goals?

I know, I know, it’s advertised as the biggest day of your life and the start of your lives together.  But on the other hand, it’s actually only one day of your life, and the quality (or opulence) of the wedding itself is (as the financial advisers tell you) no guarantee of future performance.  I don’t claim any super powers of clairvoyance that allow me to predict which marriages will last and which will founder on the shoals of real life, but I’ve seen enough weddings to be able to say one thing for certain: what you spend on your wedding won’t have one ounce of influence on the level of happiness of your marriage.  It just doesn’t work that way.

Chick-fil-a-fundraiser

And the leftovers make great appetizers at the cocktail hour!

To some people the idea of hosting a fundraiser for their wedding might seem like a creative and clever way to get what you want without adding more layers of debt to your future.  And it would certainly strike others as the pinnacle of tackiness.  My own jury is still out on this one, but I would offer one piece of advice (only one this time?).  Whatever you do, pay attention to what’s important, what really matters, and don’t get blinded by the sparkling displays of illusory perfection the wedding folks would have you buy into.  We know all that glitters may not be gold, but that doesn’t mean it’s not expensive.

Anyone have any real world experience with this idea?  We’re all ears.

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Congratulations! But Are You Really Married?

8 May

It don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got those rings. But it still might not be legal even if you do.

As much as many of us try to apply the transitive property to all parts of our lives, sometimes it just doesn’t work. Individual state laws, for example, are a fun little labyrinth of bureaucratic incompatibility. This usually causes problems when it comes to things like parking permits in a new city, open container laws and transporting fireworks across state lines (not that any of us would ever do that, officer), but these tricky little obscure regulations can also throw a wrench into the simplest wedding ceremony arrangements. What we’re saying is, it’s worth it to make sure you’ve determined what the laws are before you fly the whole family out to Hawaii.  After all the angst and stress you’ve inflicted upon yourself through the planning process, it would be a major disappointment to find out after the wedding that nothing really happened (in the eyes of the law, that is).

There’s a lot of attention being paid to the issue of who can marry whom everywhere in the country, so most of us know the laws aren’t the same in say, Rhode Island and Alabama.  (Of course those two may not really be on the same planet, but again we digress.)  In the People’s Republic of Massachusetts, for example, it’s entirely and legally possible to get a one-day license to perform marriages, which allows you to have literally anyone perform your marriage ceremony.  And I mean anyone!  Joe Biden?  Sure!  What else does he have to do?  Tom Brady?  As long as it’s off season.  Honey Boo Boo’s mom?  She just got married so she knows the drill.

OK, maybe not just anyone. There are limits.

This is totally great for those couples who aren’t interested in a religious ceremony, or would prefer that a close family member or friend marry them. This is not so great if that same couple wants to have their ceremony in some cute coastal town in Maine, where single-day licenses simply don’t fly (we assume this has something to do with the transient and unpredictable nature of the lobster-harvesting season, or maybe the tides). Even though Maine used to be part of Massachusetts, you can’t take your best friend and his single-day license from Concord to Kennebunk and still expect to be legally married. And the inability to perform a legal marriage would kind of take a bit of the meaning out of the whole day, don’t you think?

So between looking at all those examples of floral arrangements and comparing fonts for your menus, make sure you schedule some time to check out the laws of wherever you’re having your ceremony – or you could end up throwing the most expensive illegal party of your life.

Then again, if you need a backup plan, there’s always Vegas. It may be tacky, but at least it’s the legal kind of tacky! Even if you’re marrying someone 35 years younger.  But we’re not sure that should be legal anywhere.

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“Perfect” Is A Fantasy. Reality Is Much More Interesting.

6 May

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Just clouds, or rain on the way?  Whatever happens, you’ll get married and have a great time.

Okay, as we plunge headlong into peak wedding season, let’s get this one out of the way immediately. NOTHING. IS. EVER. PERFECT.  Seriously, has anything ever been perfect?  I’ve seen so many brides, mothers, sisters, maids of honor, and even ancient aunts ruin their makeup with anguished tears as they reach for that unattainable mirage of perfection forced on them by the Wedding Industrial Complex.  They would be so much better off taking what real life serves up and enjoying it as it comes, whether it fits in the grand plan or not.

You know what might be a good idea? As soon as you start getting into wedding-planning-crazy mode (anywhere from a year to two weeks before the Big Day, whatever works for you), make a point to stand in front of your mirror and repeat this to yourself at least five times. It won’t take you to Kansas, but it might snap you back a little closer to reality.

Of course you want everything to be wonderful. It’s your day. Most of us get stressed enough about the nuances of planning and pulling off a successful office party – the effort that goes into a wedding can be enough to fry the rational processing abilities of even the most well-adjusted lady. You’re totally within your rights to panic about the difference between periwinkle and baby blue, and to demand that everyone around you treat this as a completely normal cause of anxiety.

But here’s the thing: like I said oh, about three sentences ago, it’s YOUR day. It doesn’t belong to your mother, it certainly doesn’t belong to your mother-in-law, and it definitely has nothing to do with your friend who always shows up to weddings in a dress better suited for a club in Seaside Heights. You’re getting married. You’re spending the rest of your life with the person waiting for you at the end of that aisle – not with your flower arrangement. Of those two, it’s far more important that one show up all in one piece, with the proper accessories, than the other. You get one guess which it is.  And you want him or her to stick around a lot longer than your bouquet.

Are those roses white, ivory, bone, cream, or champagne? Who cares? They’re beautiful, and so are you.

The only thing that matters is: did you have a good time, and (if you’re feeling generous) did your new spouse have a good time? If you did, everyone else did. There’s almost certainly a law (Martha Stewart’s Third Law of Nuptial Bliss?) dictating that the guests’ enjoyment must reflect – but not surpass – that of the bride.

Remind yourself of this when you’re spending that quality time with your mirror (there will be a lot of that in the next few months, so you might as well make the best of it). And it probably couldn’t hurt to suggest that your mother do it, too.

So one more time, all together now: Nothing, is ever, perfect. (Except for perfect games, but your wedding is presumably not a baseball game. If however for some magical reason it is, I would very much like to be invited.)

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Don’t Save The Date? Don’t Bother.

3 May

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I’ve been reading a lot of chat about a trend that seems to be gaining in popularity, that of sending out notes to friends and family to let them know they shouldn’t hold their breath about being invited to a wedding ’cause it ain’t gonna happen.  “Don’t Save The Date” cards (some sensitive and some pretty blunt) are being marketed to couples having a hard time paring down their list to the best of the besties.  Again, you can call me a dinosaur, but this whole thing strikes me as absurd.  Weddings have being going on for hundreds of years without anyone feeling the need to systematically dis-invite those who don’t make the cut, and it seems to me it just adds another layer to what is already a grueling process.

Think about it.  First (assuming you’ve already identified your prospective spouse) you’ve got to decide on your maid/matron of honor.  This can be really dicey.  Maybe your relationship with your only sister isn’t as close as what you have with your college roommate, but how would that choice go over with the family?  Once you clear that hurdle, what about the bridesmaids?  Your kindergarten classmate from the old neighborhood or the woman who shares your cubicle at work?  And what about his sister?  Or sisters?  You already know how excruciating this can be.

Now you move on to the guest list, a hornet’s nest of options.  You’ve got limited space, limited resources, yet a seemingly limitless cornucopia of pals, buddies, cousins, long lost friends, parents of friends, friends of parents (“If we don’t invite them I can never show myself in polite society again!”), business partners, people who invited you to their weddings, violin teachers, swimming coaches, Girl Scout leaders, etc. ad nauseum.  And that doesn’t include the groom’s side.  This is when the idea of eloping starts to look really attractive.

Once you’ve navigated those stormy waters, why would you want to pile on yet another set of painful decisions, especially when they involve delivering disappointing or even insulting news?  Who belongs on the “We like you but not enough to be invited to our wedding” list?  How do you decide who is sufficiently important to have their feelings hurt with a formal notice?  It seems to me this could go on forever, taken to its absurd extreme.  You could have a whole set of lists:

  • You’re invited.  Show up or die.
  • You’re invited.  We really don’t care if you come or not.
  • You’re invited.  Please don’t come but do send a gift.
  • You’re not invited.  Even though we love you.
  • You’re not invited.  You really don’t matter that much to us.
  • You’re not invited.  Our parents are the only ones who want you to come.
  • You’re not invited.  I haven’t seen you since you moved away when we were in third grade.
  • You’re not invited.  We actually don’t like you even though we hung out a lot in college.
  • What was your name again?

This inexplicable need to exclude involves all sorts of questionable tactics.  Some brides hand off the dirty work to their wedding planner, making them inform the B-listers.  Some couples share the burden but each blames it on the other.  (There’s a great way to start your life together!  Tell a big pack of white lies and alienate lots of people who might actually have been friends.)  And some just resort to a blast email or a Facebook post (“If you haven’t heard from us yet, forget it!!)

Clearly this has nothing to do with my area of expertise (hasn’t stopped me before), but my goal is always to make you step back from the ledge and relax a little.  So my advice?  Just get back to basics and invite those you have decided to invite.  That’s hard enough, and assuming those you don’t invite are adults (or pretend to be) they should be able to deal with the disappointment.  And if they don’t?  Maybe it’s a good way to find out who your real friends are.

Anyone have any good experiences with “Don’t Save The Date”?

Is this really something you would send to someone you like? Or is it only for soon to be ex-friends?

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The Care (And Feeding) of Your Photographer

29 Apr

A beautiful relationship.

By this point I hope I’ve convinced (bullied?) you into the decision that hiring a professional to do your wedding photography is a good idea, as opposed to letting Uncle Ralph or that guy who lived down the hall from you in senior year with the really expensive camera shoot it.

Good.  Now that we’ve settled that, enough about you.  Let’s talk about me.   Well, not really me specifically, but me as a self-appointed representative of a class of professionals who are sometimes misunderstood, abused or taken for granted.   No, I’m not talking about members of Congress, but those of us who make at least part of our living taking photographs of other people’s weddings.  First let me state I AM NOT WHINING.  I enjoy my work, and no one forced me to do it.  I get to attend lovely gatherings of happy people (if they aren’t happy, they had better pretend to be) in beautiful surroundings, and I get paid for it.  With very few exceptions (there’s time for them in another post), I have genuinely enjoyed meeting and getting to know the couples and their friends and families, and some weddings have led to lasting friendships.  So far, so good.

What I want to offer is a little bit of advice (what else is new?) so that your relationship with your photographer is one that produces a glorious set of pictures and smiles all around.   Again, I don’t pretend for a moment to represent all photographers.  We each have our own style and personality, and we bring differing abilities and talents to our work.   But there are common themes that work across the board, whether our work is highly polished and choreographed or casual and informal.

Photographers are people too (despite evidence to the contrary).   Even though we should be there to do your bidding every step of the way, here are a few ideas to keep in mind when you are communicating with the person who is there to make sure you remember everything that happened at your wedding forever.

  • Talk to me.  Tell me what you want so I can make sure you are never disappointed.  That’s not bothering me; it’s why I’m there.
  • If you have strong likes and dislikes, let me know.  Some people adore the shot of two hands intertwined with new rings on their fingers, while others would rather put bamboo shoots under those fingernails instead of posing for the aforementioned photo.
  • Let me know in advance if there are family issues (who doesn’t have those?).  I can figure out a lot of things quickly, but I’m not psychic.  For instance, it really shouldn’t fall to me to discover accidentally that the stepfather of the bride is also the groom’s father.  (Don’t ask.  That actually happened.)  These things can make for some pretty squirmy moments during the formal photo sessions.
  • Please make your decisions about who is in the posed photos carefully.  If you think there’s a pretty good chance that your sister might come to her senses and break up with that guy in a couple of weeks (you hope so, anyway), it’s a good idea not to invite him to pose with the family.  There’s only so much I can do in Photoshop.
  • Don’t ask for the impossible, especially with no advance warning.  I’m not talking about “make me look like Jennifer Lawrence” requests.  No, I’m talking about the photographically impossible.  One bride’s mother asked me moments before the ceremony if I could take the following picture: the newly married couple walking back down the aisle with the entire collection of guests and attendants smiling and applauding.  Sounds nice, right?  No problem?  Except that the wedding took place in a hotel function room with a ten-foot ceiling, low hanging chandeliers, and seating for about two hundred and fifty spread out over the ninety foot long room.  My fellow photographers will explain to you why it couldn’t be done without a retractable dome and the Goodyear blimp.
  • Please make sure the caterer knows if you have agreed to provide food for the photographer.  We can get a little cranky when we start our day in the morning at the bride’s house and the next food we see is after everyone has been served dinner.  Most caterers are wonderful and realize we’re all on the same team, but I’ve run into a few who acted as though I was taking their food out of the mouths of starving orphans.

So I hope this doesn’t come off as too self-serving, but if I don’t speak up for the voiceless, who will?  A little thought before the wedding day will make sure everyone ends up happy.  Now let’s get back to thinking about you.

Cheaper than the blimp, but you do have to feed him. (abeautifuldayphotography.com)

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Can Someone Please Explain To Me Exactly What The Problem Is With Gay Marriage?

25 Apr

Reblogged from Too Young To Be Old:

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With countries around the world formally legalizing gay marriage, the debate over its place here in the US seems to have started anew.  Or maybe it's just louder than it has been in the past few months.  This is one of those debates that I just shake my head at.  I'm not deliberately trying to create trouble, but I honestly just don't get it. 

Read more… 1,099 more words

I can't say this any better than this blogger already did. I've photographed a number of same-sex weddings, and I've yet to notice any appreciable difference between those and "traditional" weddings. Nice outfits, lots of love, and plenty of silly behavior on the dance floor. What's not to like?

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Do You Wanna Dance?

15 Apr

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Few rituals at a wedding reveal more of the character of the bride and groom than the dancing, especially that first dance.  They occupy the full range from the sublime to the ridiculous, and all points in between.  For some it’s almost more important than the ceremony, fussed over and hyper-rehearsed to the point that it has all the spontaneity of D-Day.  Others get it over with as fast as they can, making sure everyone else gets out there so they can hide in the crowd of gyrating bodies.  It’s often an occasion for comedy, intentional or not.  And some couples are perfectly happy with music playing, and if anyone wants to dance it’s fine with them.

And where did the idea of the “First Dance” originate?  It comes to us from centuries of tradition in formal dances from many cultures, the common thread being that the guests of honor at any big affair start the dancing.  The French had their minuet, the Brits their quadrille, and the Russians their polonaise.  The tradition at weddings was for the couple to share a first waltz, but now that’s about as popular as inviting the guests along to see the marriage consummated. (Yes, they used to do that.  Imagine it in the youtube era.)  So it was a short hop, skip, and foxtrot to the present day when the dance is more an opportunity to show off the results of those expensive lessons you took, or to have the DJ play the most romantic song you can think of as you glide around the room to the teary ooohs and aaahs of family and friends.  But there’s nothing that says you have to do any of this, and I’ve seen receptions with no ceremonial first dance or any dancing at all.

I’ve been to hundreds of wedding receptions and witnessed a wide variety of musical hits and misses.  They generally fall into one of these categories:

  • The Romantics.  They hold each other close and sway to something like At Last by Etta James or Have I Told You Lately That I Love You (Van Morrison, NOT Rod Stewart.  The first person who told him he could sing must have loved the sound of cats in heat on the back fence.)
  • The Professionals.  These guys are just flat out great dancers.  They’re so good they don’t break a sweat (see video below).  Dancing is clearly a big part of their lives, and it shows.  They can dance to anything, but jitterbug standards like In The Mood suit their style just fine.
  • The DWTS Wannabes.  These dances are painful to watch.  They’ve taken lessons, and rehearsed endlessly in their living room.  But some people can dance, and others shouldn’t try.  You see them counting out the beats between clenched teeth and glaring icily at each other when they screw up, and you wonder if the marriage can survive the opening number.  They can’t dance to anything, but they always pick something with complex rhythms so they look extra awkward.
  • The Quickies.  They take to the floor, start to sway, and the DJ almost immediately invites everyone else out onto the floor.  They generally pick an old hit like Rock ‘n Roll Music by the Beatles to appeal to the widest possible demographic.
  • The Surprise Dancers.  This has become really popular.  The couple starts out like The Romantics (see above) and then feign shock as the music shifts to something decidedly different (Thriller is a top choice) so they can go into their heavily rehearsed routine.  Even though no one is surprised any more, everyone loves it.
  • The Flightless Birds.  Some novelty dances never seem to go away although some, thank God, do become extinct.  (Hear much Electric Slide or Cotton-Eyed Joe lately?  Me neither.)  What I’m seeing more of is the Penguin Dance, and the Chicken Dance just never gets old.
  • The Wild Bunch.  These party animals want to pull out the stops right away and never look back.  Why wait until later in the evening for You Shook Me All Night Long or Don’t Stop Believing?  Just turn that amp up to 11 and rock on.

As always, do whatever suits your style and don’t let anyone else (especially your DJ) tell you what kind of music you should play, or that there has to be dancing at all.  It’s your party, and if you want to do the Macarena, go for it.  Who knows?  It might just make a comeback thanks to you.

What did you play at your wedding?  A hit or a miss?

 

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Choosing Your Venue: A Few Choice Words

10 Apr

Does it look like this in real life?

There are many, many lovely places to hold your wedding ceremony or reception, from a seaside mansion to your neighbor’s backyard, and you should choose a place that suits your own personal style.   But if you’re considering a venue that specializes in hosting weddings, I want to offer a few thoughts to keep in mind as you narrow down your list.  My responsibility, of course, is to make sure your photos look as beautiful as possible, so forgive the photo-centric nature of this advice.  (OK, all my advice is part of the mission to make you and your location look gorgeous in the pictures, but that doesn’t mean it’s not valid.)

  • Don’t buy the venue based on the website or the brochure.

Chances are your venue hosts have selected the very best of the best of photos taken at their facility (or some other magnificent site), or better yet hired a photographer to shoot some just for them, and those images will have been shot in perfect light, on a perfect day, with a perfect sunset, and perfect models.  You can’t blame them; that’s their job.  But if at all possible, see the venue under real world circumstances so you can judge for yourself how it will look.  Most photographers are very creative and clever, but the only magic wand they have is in Photoshop.

  • Beware of venues that have an “official photo room.”

I don’t know who came up with this concept, but it doesn’t work.  Sure, it might sound official, but you know what else is official? That corner of the RMV where they take your license photo. “Photo room” is venue code for “some place where we can conveniently shove the wedding party so they don’t try to get creative and stomp all over our lawn.” You paid to have your wedding here, and that lawn is yours for the stomping.  More importantly: these rooms aren’t designed to make you look good.  No self-respecting photographer wants to shoehorn at least a dozen people into a small room with blank walls and low ceilings with awful recessed lighting and force them to smile, while sweating bullets and cursing the venue for not providing a better space.  And no self-respecting group of people want to be photographed while shoved into said room. No matter how talented your photographer, or how photogenic your wedding party, the odds of everyone being pleased with the final result of these uncomfortable forced photos is just north of zero.  Photo rooms may be an efficient idea in theory, but efficiency is for assembly lines and gas mileage statistics, not weddings.  If your venue host tells you the photo room is the only place available for formal photos, I suggest looking elsewhere.

  • Think twice before selecting a venue that holds more than one function at a time.

There’s an old superstition about brides seeing each other on their wedding day (they might burst into flames?), but that’s the least of your worries at a multi-event venue.  I’ve seen dueling wedding parties arrive at the same time and use the same entrance because it was pouring rain, and in one of them the bridesmaids’ dresses were identical (not making that up).  One reception had to compete against a bar mitzvah across the hall, and the wedding party was no match for a roving band of out-of-control thirteen-year-olds (that’s redundant, right?).

  • Make sure they tell you what their plans are for bad weather.

And if they involve an official photo room, see above.  For a better idea, see below.

Nicer than any photo room I’ve ever seen.

My Pinterest and Facebook are always in the right location!

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