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Father Knows Best. Sometimes.

17 Jun

The ultimate father image.

The role of father of the bride has taken many forms through history, evolving from  a dictator who was solely interested in the financial ramifications of the union (dowries etc.) and whether it represented a hike up the social ladder (what happens if an Irish Catholic tries to marry into a Boston Brahmin family, for instance?).  In the bygone days when royal weddings really meant something, they weren’t lovely affairs like that of Kate and Wills, but were tools to unite kingdoms, start wars and otherwise send shock waves through the socio-political world order.  (What’s love got to do with it?  Nothing.)

Then we progressed (?) into an age represented by Spencer Tracy’s character in Father of the Bride (not the Steve Martin re-make): the rock solid source of sage advice to keep the ladies from veering off into insanity.  (Of course if Elizabeth Taylor is your daughter you’ve got a whole raft of trouble coming your way in the wedding department.)  Oh yes, and the financial arrangements were still the paternal responsibility, writing checks to everyone in sight.

So what’s the dad’s place today, as we celebrate Father’s Day?  As with other fractured cultural stereotypes I’ve seen this take many forms, from the “show up and shut up” role to a maniacal obsession with each detail down to the choice of the bride’s necklace (“Granny would be heart-broken it you don’t wear it!”) or whether the venue’s emergency exit lights are properly illuminated (I’m not making that one up.)  I’ve witnessed every approach from complete invisibility until moments before marching his girl down the aisle to micro-managing the entire event as if it were the D-Day invasion.

The trouble is, your father is who he is (for better or worse).  It’s not as though you’re going to change his personality or standard operating procedure just in time for your wedding.  So my advice (unsolicited as always) is to figure out what roles suit him best (probably not singing) and aim his energy (or lack thereof) in that direction.  If he’s a laid back guy who just wants to make you happy, thank your lucky stars, give him the schedule, and let him be the genial host.  But if he’s the type who likes to control everything and everyone around him, it’s best to define specific roles for him and keep his nose out of the areas where it doesn’t belong (you should choose which necklace you’re going to wear).  It’s rare, but I’ve seen fathers who have run the entire show, and the results haven’t been pretty.  People who are used to having their way on everything have trouble remembering that nothing has ever been perfect, and your wedding won’t be either.

even the backs of their heads look happier

If you’re happy, he should be too.

When a bride arrives to talk to me about wedding photography accompanied only by her father, one of two possibilities is almost certain.  Most often this means dad is an advanced amateur photographer (knowing just enough to be dangerous) or (God help me) a professional who wants to grill me with a series of technical questions about cameras, lenses, software, megapixels, file formats, and high dynamic range images.  (Bored yet?  Yeah, me too.)

But the dads who set off the loudest alarm bells are the control freaks who will be making all the decisions about the wedding.  One father introduced himself by saying “I’m O.C.D.”, which to him meant he had a license to be a jerk.  And indeed he was, pissing off everyone from the caterer to the musicians to the venue manager.

But that’s an extreme case, and again very rare.  More often fathers provide a calming influence, telling their daughters (and wives) that everyone looks lovely and the wedding will be a smashing success.  As much as they genuinely care that everyone ends up happy, they know the day is really not about them.   It’s about the women they love, and nothing in the world is more important.   Even uniting with another kingdom.

Enough about those dads.  How about yours?

My Pinterest and Facebook always know best!

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“It’s Good You Should Eat!”

10 Jun

According to legend, that line is the timeless cliche uttered by everyone’s Jewish grandma or aunt or mother no matter how many helpings you’ve already had of the amazing spread on the holiday table.  I’m not sure if my own grandmother (a Goldstein, for those keeping score at home) actually ever said those precise words, but the sentiment was ever present.  And never has this sentence been more appropriate than on the day of your wedding.  Now I’m sounding like one of your parents (something I really try to avoid), but trust me here.  If you don’t fill your stomach you are courting disaster.  I guarantee those pounds you lost through dieting and Pilates in the six months before your wedding day will NOT horrifically reappear because you eat breakfast eight hours before the ceremony.  (Unless of course you chow down on that new Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich from Dunkies.  I felt my arteries clogging just reading about it.)

Probably better than nothing, but don’t make a habit of it.

With all the commotion and anxiety flying around in the 24 hours before a wedding, we know how easy it is to “forget” — or simply feel too busy — to eat. Here’s a helpful hint: You are not too busy to eat. Delegate everything if you have to, but it’s absolutely essential that you get some food in your stomach both before and during the whole shenanigan. In fact, delegate the responsibility to make sure you eat to a trusted attendant (probably not your mother, because you’ve heard it too many times from her over the years when you were trying to slim down to fit into your prom dress).  Each of us has our own “normal” routine when it comes to eating, whether you think breakfast is a nice bowl of oatmeal or last night’s leftover pepperoni pizza (Ding Dongs do NOT count).  But whatever you do, make an effort to eat what you normally consume for breakfast (unless your normal is nothing washed down with coffee).  And if the ceremony isn’t until later in the day, do the same for lunch.  What you are doing is telling your digestive tract that this is just another day like any other, and to please ignore those gallons of adrenaline and excess stomach acid churning through your body.  You need to do this even if your physical state is somewhere south of optimal after whatever you did the night before the wedding day.  In fact, that’s when you need it the most.

Not a breakfast food. In fact, not a food at all.

We’ve seen way too many brides who couldn’t find the time or the serenity to eat something substantial during the last several hours before the ceremony — and we’ve seen those same brides feeling dizzy, nauseous or just plain over-inebriated later on in the day. Nobody wants to spend the theoretical Happiest Day of Her Life trying just to stay vertical.  I’ve seen more than one bride carried off after barely making it through the ceremony.  I’m not making that up.

Here’s the recipe for disaster, and it works every time:

  1. Get extremely nervous before the rehearsal dinner because there’s bad weather predicted for tomorrow.  Don’t eat at the dinner, but drink lots of sparkly liquids.
  2. Stay up almost all night before the wedding day because you’re reliving a junior high school slumber party with your best friends when you weren’t allowed to stay up all night.  Eat lots of stuff that comes out of plastic/metallic bags in which sugar, sodium, and unpronounceable chemicals are the sole ingredients.  Drink much beer or more sparkly liquids.
  3. Feel like you want to vomit in the morning.  Therefore, skip breakfast or anything like it.
  4. Become very agitated as it comes time to get ready and into your dress, and therefore skip lunch.  But continue to drink things you don’t normally imbibe during the hours before sundown.
  5. Refuse to eat anything else once you are made up and in your dress.  This is actually a smart idea based on what I’ve seen, but if you followed steps 1-4 you’re likely beyond help anyway.
  6. Feel worse than you’ve ever felt in your adult lifetime as you prepare for the biggest occasion of said lifetime.

Again, trust us.  You do not want to experience your wedding day in an altered state brought on by nutritional deprivation.  Do whatever is necessary to remember this: write “FOOD” on your hand, assign one of your bridesmaids to be on bridal snack duty, hang bags of trail mix from the ceiling — we don’t care about the method. We just care that you get enough nutrition and energy to make it through the day. Because let’s be real: you’re probably already so nervous you feel like you’re going to pass out. Don’t give your body a good reason to do it.

And how about you?  Did you eat before the wedding?  Any good ideas, or bad experiences?  Were those Mimosas and Bloody Marys a smart choice?

My Pinterest and Facebook always have plenty to chew on!

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The Canine Conundrum: Does Your Dog Want To Be In The Wedding?

5 Jun

Uh-oh. Is he really going to…?

Since we are well into the season for lovely outdoor weddings, it’s time to discuss an issue that is pretty exclusively limited to ceremonies held in an open space (at least I hope so).  There are many among us to whom our pooch is an almost best friend (I’m jumping to the conclusion that your future spouse is in that spot for now, until he/she inevitably occupies – forgive me – the dog house).  So how you could leave that adorable pal out of the most important event of your young life?  Well, I can think of a few reasons.  As always, I’m not trying to tell you what to do, since the wedding is all about the two of you and should be as close to exactly what you want (perfect?) as possible.

But no matter how much you adore your dog, or how well-behaved he/she is on a regular basis, there’s some potential for catastrophe when you involve a four-legged family member in the actual wedding ceremony.  Sure, it’s an outrageously adorable idea, and yes, I’ve seen it done successfully on many occasions.  And frankly it has the potential to make me happy because if the pictures work, it will look wonderful and people will “awwwwww” over it for years. But, the emphasis is on if.

Don’t get me wrong: Dogs are great. I love dogs! All they want is to be with their best friends and play.  Or lie down.  Or put paw prints on your dress.  Or sleep.  Or chase something.  Or slobber on someone.  I’m just not convinced (as some people seem to be) that dogs are people. Yes, both people and dogs can follow directions, to an extent, depending on both the person and the dog. (There have been several occasions when the behavior of some of the other members of a particularly rowdy wedding party made me wonder if the dog was the best behaved among them, but once again I digress.)  Yes, both are capable of walking in a straight line (until later in the evening). But honestly, one of these options (the dog, we hope) is far more likely to stop for a brief territory-marking session against one of your guest’s chairs — or worse, take an amorous interest in one of said guest’s legs. Granted, a photo of Bruno getting up close and personal with Great-Aunt Gladys’s left thigh would have comedic value, but you have to ask yourself how much you want your ceremony to be a cause for seat squirming giggles (and/or slightly offended family members).  And I’m convinced dogs actually have more of a case of nerves doing something so completely un-doglike (who are all these people and WHY ARE THEY LOOKING AT ME?) that they are far more likely to embarrass themselves and you.

“I can’t believe they made me wear this outfit. When we get home I’m ruining the living room rug.”

And we admit we haven’t discussed it with them at length, but we imagine that dogs, like teenagers, don’t really have much interest in putting on fancy clothes and standing around for several hours. They’d rather be outside frolicking, or inside chewing on your new dancing shoes. If your puppy is such an integral family member that you couldn’t possibly dream of excluding him/her from the whole shenanigan, then maybe just grab a big fancy neck bow and have your baby stand out front as the world’s most adorable greeter/usher. We promise it’ll be just as cute, and less fraught with peril.

When it comes to puppies prancing down the aisle, though (please don’t make the pup the actual ring-bearer), I would ask you to consider the words of a legendary football coach on why he didn’t like pass plays: “Three things can happen, and two of them are bad.”  But as always, it’s your call, and by all means have Snuffy in the wedding if it would break your heart to leave him out.  Most of the time it works just fine…

But go ahead! Prove us wrong! Anyone have a great dog-in-a-wedding story to challenge our doubts?  Or one in which things didn’t go quite according to plan?

My Pinterest and Facebook love dogs in the wedding!

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Not Invited? Maybe You Should Thank Them!

29 May

That’s a lot of plane tickets. And at least six dresses no one will ever wear again.

We’ve already talked about the angst involved in paring down the invitation list to a manageable number, and whether it’s in your best interest to let people know who aren’t being invited so they can make other plans for that Saturday a few months from now.  That and the cost of your wedding are almost certainly the most intense contributors to your pre-nuptial stress.  Everybody knows that weddings can be an expensive proposition, setting back those paying the bills an average of around $28K in the US.  There’s the dress and the venue and the music and the food and the photography (sorry!) all adding to the price of entry.  And according to The Knot, about a quarter of this year’s weddings will be of the destination type, requiring travel to exotic locales.  But I have to admit I hadn’t given any thought to how expensive it is for those whose only responsibility is to show up and express their love and/or affection for the couple getting married.  Maybe that’s because I get paid to go to almost every wedding I attend, rather than having to shell out a substantial part of my monthly take-home pay in order to enjoy a free dinner and some dancing.  (And it could help explain why getting a plate of food from some caterers is like asking for their first born child; they know I got in for free!)  But thanks to one of my favorite fellow bloggers, I now know it’s no small decision whether to accept an invitation when it means you might be eating ramen for the rest of the month as you pay off your bills.

According to a survey by American Express, 69 million of us will attend a wedding this year and the average guest (there must be a better way to phrase that) will need to part with $539 (up fifty percent over last year!) to say yes to that lovely engraved invitation.  How can that be true, you might ask?  The math is pretty simple, actually.  About a third goes to travel, a third to something new to wear, and another third for the wedding gift.  Now clearly you can cut some corners on this, but it’s still a considerable commitment when you consider that the average (ouch! there it is again) wedding guest is in their mid- to late twenties and not yet at the top of the earning pyramid.  And if you have the (mis?)fortune to be tapped to be in the wedding party, you can rack up even more renting a tux or (in the case of bridesmaids) buying a dress you wouldn’t be caught dead in again at anything but a zombie costume party.  More than two-thirds of bridesmaids say they will either give their dress to a thrift shop or family friend, and the other third probably lied to the person taking the survey.  At least the guys get to take their outfits back so someone else can pay to wear it.

130508104455-wedding-travel-cost-620xa

Which brings us to the curious case of Christopher Sledzik.  Yes, THAT Christopher Sledzik (the guy on the right in the picture).  The one who attended twelve weddings last year, three as a member of the bridal party, at a cost of somewhere in the neighborhood of $10,000.  Well you might ask if Chris sold his internet startup for a billion dollars or is the sole heir to a Saudi oil fortune, but no.  He’s a 27-year-old guy with a good job who really wanted to be there for his friends, even if it meant putting that entire $10K on a credit card he’ll be paying off for years.  If there were a poster child for Most Devoted Wedding Guest Ever, he would be found in that photo above.

So I promise I’ll be more understanding the next time a caterer seems a little reluctant to give food to me, one of the chosen few who will be better off financially when the last dance is over.  And I’ll be sure to remember Chris Sledzik.

What do you think?  Have you had to pay too much to attend a wedding?  Is there any way around this, especially for the wedding party?  And are you one of the few bridesmaids who has actually worn the dress another time?  Once again, we’d love to hear.

My Pinterest and Facebook always say yes to invitations!

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Be Here Now. Or Don’t Be Here At All.

27 May

Cartoon

It hasn’t gotten as bad as this (courtesy of The New Yorker), has it?  I haven’t actually seen anyone tweet from the altar, but something tells me it’s been done.

Ooops. Maybe we’re there already.

And that’s because as a species it appears we’ve become incapable of being in the moment and savoring what’s going on right in front of our noses.  OK, I know this sounds like a rant from one of your grandparents, but bear with me.  This opinion was arrived at the old fashioned way: by watching the human race make fools of themselves on a consistent basis.  We’ve reached a time in our evolution (devolution?) in which we can’t just see something.  We are compelled to record it, no matter what the circumstances or the loss of the original experience.  And we can’t just observe something.  We have to comment on it instantaneously, putting our own feeble bleatings out into the ether for everyone to share (as if they have time when they’re busy letting everyone know what they think).  We can’t just BE somewhere.  We feel duty bound to tell everyone else on earth (as if they’re paying attention) where we are and what we’re doing.  The bard (remember him?) said it best about all this human noise: “Full of sound and fury, signifying NOTHING.”

OK, enough blowing off steam.  Why does this bother me?  Let me give you an example.  Not long ago I photographed a wedding in a lovely church, featuring a happy couple and adoring family and friends.  As I took pictures of the bride’s dad handing her off to her husband-to-be, I noticed the groom’s mother in the first row, with her face up to her cell phone.  She had taken video of the processional and was settling in to record the ceremony and the exchange of vows.  Pardon me, but isn’t there something a little bit absurd here?  This was her son getting married, not some distant cousin or a kid who lived in the neighborhood.  And she chose not to watch her son get married.  Instead, she was fixated on a tiny screen on the back of a small electronic device placed directly between her and her boy in the most important moment of his life.  All her attention was focused (pun intended) on what SHE was doing, rather than on the wedding taking place right in front of her.  And as soon as the vows were over, what did she do?  What anyone would do, of course!  She sat down to watch what she had just recorded, ignoring everything else going on in the church, even giving the relative right next to her that “Hey look at this!” poke with her elbow.  And yes, they did have a professional videographer on the scene already.

I’ll admit it’s unusual (but far from unique) seeing a parent do this, but for other people it’s standard operating procedure.  Everyone is taking and sending pictures (OOOOH, what filter should I use?) or texting and tweeting all the time no matter what the occasion.  And a lot of the tweets aren’t true.  When they type “Watching Cheryl and Matt get hitched!”, they aren’t.  It should read, “Sending a tweet while Cheryl and Matt get married!”  And that can’t wait until after the ceremony is over?  Apparently not.

Did anyone actually see them get married?

I know this is a fact of life, so why bring it up?  Because I think it’s still not too late to take some control over what goes on at your own wedding.  If you don’t want everyone (even your mother) distracted by all the screens glowing and the thumbs furiously working the keypads, let people know.  You can ask the officiant to announce you would prefer they pay attention to you and leave the recording and the commentary until later.  Or is this a futile gesture?

What do you think?  Would (or did) this kind of behavior bother you at your wedding?  I’m not advocating a return to a pre-digital age, just a little consideration for the couple and their idea of what they want their wedding to be.

If you can’t beat ‘em, text ‘em!

My Pinterest and Facebook never tweet during the ceremony!

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Unscheduled Singing: Shock and Awwwww!

20 May

Maybe best left to the professionals?

Most people have very strong opinions about the music they like (Beatles pretty close to universal?), and don’t (Pitbull?)  But that’s nothing compared to their feelings about singers.  The human voice has been referred to as the ultimate musical instrument, and as with any other instrument, some people can play and others shouldn’t try anywhere they can be heard by someone else.  Apparently there once was an agent who thought Rod Stewart could sing, and according to legend someone who thought Adele couldn’t.  There really isn’t any way to reconcile those two ideas.

Which brings us to the music at your wedding.  The big decision usually involves live vs. recorded music, and the sometimes contentious debates with that DJ who thinks he knows your musical tastes better than you do.  With a little advance planning and a conversation or two, all that should work out fine.  But there’s another potential source of musical stress: the unannounced, unsolicited, and unsanctioned song performed by someone who was not paid to do it.  There are two kinds of singing of this type.  Sir George Martin, legendary producer of the aforementioned Beatles, had it right when he said there are only two categories of music: good and bad.  He could easily have been referring to amateur singing at weddings, especially when the performance hasn’t been cleared with the bride and groom.  When it comes to singing, the world’s population is unevenly divided into three categories:

  • Those who know they can, and should sing in public.
  • Those who know they can’t, and would rather have a root canal without novocaine than sing in public.
  • Those who think they can, but should never be allowed to sing in public.

It’s that third group that warrants attention.

There’s nothing sweeter than the father of the bride serenading his daughter on her wedding day – as long as he’s capable of carrying a tune.  And there are few moments quite as cringe-inducing as listening to someone who isn’t in the same area code as the melody trying to serenade a wedding party.  Your dad may fancy himself a bit of an undiscovered talent, but singing in the shower just isn’t the same as standing with a microphone in front of 150 people.  I’ve seen a fair number of great receptions brought to a screeching halt in just this way.  (Then again, I saw one father channel Roy Orbison, complete with the shades, so brilliantly he was the highlight of the party.)  But why do so many of them think they can do Sinatra, arguably the greatest male vocalist of all time?  Wouldn’t it be wise to aim a little lower (Barry White?)

Some fathers aren’t good singers, but they make up for it with a sense of humor, charisma or some killer dance moves (although dad doing his best Gangnam Style is already going the way of the Macarena). If your father/step-father/whoever wants to sing, and you want him to sing, by all means give him the green light to rock the joint. Otherwise, gently remind him he should be content to show off the awesome dance that’s going to make all the other guests insanely jealous of the stellar genes you’ve clearly inherited.

And this goes for anyone else who thinks they should ask for the mic and jam with the band.  It should be up to the bride and groom to decide who gets to perform at their reception, the only exceptions being the couple themselves.  If they want to live out an MTV fantasy, they should have that chance even if their voices aren’t up to it.  After all, they can’t be any worse than Rod Stewart.  Or this sister of the bride.  Don’t listen to the whole video.  It will be too painful.

Did anyone perform an unscripted number at your wedding? We’re all ears — and bad puns, apparently!

My Pinterest and Facebook are always in tune!

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Choose Your Volunteers Carefully: The Yin And Yang Of DIY Helpers

17 May

Don’t like pink? It’s a little late for that now.

Those of us in the 99% (I’m assuming the 1% probably won’t read this post) are always looking for ways to save money, especially when it comes to something as potentially expensive as a wedding. (That $28K average cost hasn’t changed much since we wrote about it last time.)  So it might seem like a great idea to ask your friend who sends out those cute hand-made Christmas cards to help with your invitations, or appoint your Martha Stewart-wannabe cousin as your florist, right?

Well, maybe not so fast.  No doubt your family and friends are wonderful, talented people, but they’re not hired professionals. (We’ve already discussed the many reasons why you should NEVER consider handing the photo chores to an amateur.)  It’s not impossible that they could do a great job — we’ve seen plenty of weddings where Aunt Kathy baked the cake or the bride’s sister did everyone’s hair, and they’ve turned out beautifully. Most of us have friends with a multitude of skills, and there’s no reason they can’t help you with your wedding. It makes them feel more involved, it saves you from having to invite even more strangers into your life, and it can be a great wedding present, especially for those creative types who may not want to buy you yet another fancy set of knives.

BUT (there’s always at least one of those)… The reason we hire people to build additions on our houses or repair our broken heels is because of those little things called contracts. When you’re paying someone to create all your flower arrangements, they’re promising to actually do it — and to make sure you are satisfied with what they do. The expectation is that you’ll get your money’s worth — after all, they’re running a business, and they have a reputation to uphold. It’s in their best interest to make you the happiest bride in the country. No doubt Cousin Erica loves you and wants to put together the best place settings you’ve ever seen, but when she gets the flu two days before the ceremony, she’s in no shape to find you a replacement. And that’s not even getting into the tricky issue of creative license. You may think you and your friend the designer agreed on the perfect green invitations, but when they arrive, she’s decided they’ll look better in lavender with Papyrus font. Of course it’s not the end of the world, but you don’t want to spend your wedding day worrying about details.  When you’re paying people and they work for you, they’re supposed to do what you want no matter what.  If it’s chartreuse and mauve you like, then so be it.  The last thing you need is an argument from someone who thinks she knows better.  And when friendships (or even family ties) instead of business relationships are on the line, it makes dissent much harder to manage.  You can’t threaten to fire your sister or your roommate.

By all means let your friends and family help out — you shouldn’t feel like you have to control everything yourself.  You don’t have to be “The Decider” and if you try to be, you’ll probably just drive yourself (and everyone around you who wants to help) crazy. Just make sure if you’re outsourcing jobs that you can live with the results if they aren’t exactly what you hoped for.  Relax, and recognize that not everything will be perfect.  And if this time the second layer of Aunt Kathy’s cake slides off onto the floor in the heat, the rest of it will still be delicious.

About 5.7 on the Richter scale.

My Pinterest and Facebook are always completely professional!

Once You’re Dressed, Don’t Go In The Kitchen Without A Bodyguard.

15 May

For The Bride, A Chamber Of Horrors!

The process of being transformed into “The Bride” (a form of life unlike any other) can be so all-consuming that said person might forget she is, well, still a person.  Yes, a living, breathing, eating, drinking, sleeping, and tooth-brushing being who still has the basic needs and limitations shared by everyone in the human race.  There’s no question when you put on the white dress, the world treats you differently.  But not so Mother Nature, or Sir Isaac Newton’s famous laws.  The same rules still apply as when you’re in your college hoodie and pajama pants.  As much as everyone keeps repeating that you’re the most beautiful of all God’s creations (which is of course true), underneath all that silk and lace you are still: you, the person who spilled a chocolate shake all over your prom date.

And if you’re the kind of young woman who has trouble getting the forkful of pasta into her mouth without half of it ending up on the table cloth, that limitation hasn’t been dispensed with.  If it’s unlikely the sip of wine won’t occasionally dribble down your chin and onto that sweatshirt, this time it will end up on your wedding dress.  And if you are among the less graceful of us, being attired in a gown that came straight from heaven won’t magically endow you with the cat-like grace of your cat.

The messiest stuff you are allowed to approach is your makeup, and unless you are the ethereally poised Kate Middleton famously doing her own face (with half the British Empire standing by to fix it if you mess it up), you’ll have a makeup artist or a sister to corral it for you.  So herewith some rules to live by, based on my observation of catastrophes and near misses.  Fellow clumsy people, these are for us.

Once you are in your wedding dress:

  • Don’t open the fridge.
  • Don’t look at the fridge from across the room.
  • Don’t even venture into the kitchen until someone else has gone in first to secure the perimeter.

However, this is not to say you shouldn’t eat. Please, please eat before your wedding – because drinking five glasses of wine on an empty stomach to calm your nerves can only end in disaster (and/or some unseemly personal revelations). But do not do it in your dress. Or, if you absolutely must, having been previously forced into your gown at gunpoint or under duress of threats from your mother, at least cocoon yourself in Saran Wrap first. No matter how silly you think you look donning an apron to eat a few bites of cheese and crackers, it pales in comparison to how it would feel to walk down the aisle with brie smudged all over your bodice.  And just to be on the safe side, consume only colorless food (Cottage cheese? Yes.  Blueberry jam? Don’t think so.) and pale liquids (Pinot Gris, not Noir).

Suffice it to say the common sense that should determine these decisions is not as common as it should be.  I’ve seen some real disasters, and heroic recoveries, as a result of misplaced consumables.  But some of these stories are too terrifying to relate in polite company, so I won’t.  Don’t make me tell you the story about the bride and the jar of pasta sauce. Seriously, don’t.  If you are a bride, I promise it will give you nightmares for longer than the original of the Alien series. In fact, it’s better that we never speak of it again.

Not nearly as scary as an open fridge.

My Pinterest and Facebook will always protect you!

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Can’t Buy Me Love? But Then Again…

13 May

Nice. But necessary?

It seems the crowd sourcing idea has taken hold for funding everything from around-the-world dream trips  to new appliances for your circa 1953 kitchen, and lately I’ve been seeing a lot more of it as it relates to weddings and their sometimes unsustainable expenses.  The average American wedding will set you back somewhere in the neighborhood of $28,000, so maybe it makes sense to look outside of your own resources to get what you want in your nuptials.  We’ve already talked about the “honey fund” for underwriting a spectacular honeymoon when your last name isn’t Rockefeller, but it was only recently that I heard this idea applied to the wedding itself.  It’s one thing for the couple to conduct their own version of an NPR pledge drive (don’t you HATE the Mother’s Day fundraiser?) so they don’t have to put off their honeymoon until some unspecified date (twentieth anniversary?), but it’s another thing to host a faux charity benefit before the wedding in order to shake down your friends and family to help defray the costs.  When people are doing this to raise money for truly worthy causes, doesn’t it strike you as a little awkward to do the same kind of thing so you can spend way more than you should in an unrealistic attempt to achieve the Wedding Industrial Complex idea of perfection?  Maybe you take that approach if you have access to boatloads of money, as we’ve talked about before.  But if you don’t (or even if you do and you have better sense than to blow it on stuff that just doesn’t matter), wouldn’t it be wiser to adopt more sensible goals?

I know, I know, it’s advertised as the biggest day of your life and the start of your lives together.  But on the other hand, it’s actually only one day of your life, and the quality (or opulence) of the wedding itself is (as the financial advisers tell you) no guarantee of future performance.  I don’t claim any super powers of clairvoyance that allow me to predict which marriages will last and which will founder on the shoals of real life, but I’ve seen enough weddings to be able to say one thing for certain: what you spend on your wedding won’t have one ounce of influence on the level of happiness of your marriage.  It just doesn’t work that way.

Chick-fil-a-fundraiser

And the leftovers make great appetizers at the cocktail hour!

To some people the idea of hosting a fundraiser for their wedding might seem like a creative and clever way to get what you want without adding more layers of debt to your future.  And it would certainly strike others as the pinnacle of tackiness.  My own jury is still out on this one, but I would offer one piece of advice (only one this time?).  Whatever you do, pay attention to what’s important, what really matters, and don’t get blinded by the sparkling displays of illusory perfection the wedding folks would have you buy into.  We know all that glitters may not be gold, but that doesn’t mean it’s not expensive.

Anyone have any real world experience with this idea?  We’re all ears.

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When Bad Things Aren’t Actually Bad

10 May

This one’s for the control freaks. Yes, all of you.

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Sometimes walking is hard.

The problem with perfection is that it is, by nature, near-impossible to achieve. Which leaves us with a 99 percent chance that something not-so-perfect is going to happen. You can try to fight those odds (hi, entrepreneurs and foolhardy bankers) or you can choose to just roll with them and do that proverbial trick with the lemons and lemonade and whatnot. In my experience, lemonade is usually a more satisfying result than sulking, but then again, I’ve never had a citrus allergy, so what do I know.

Tortured metaphors aside, the truth is that there are so very many things out of our control, all of the time. Whether it’s a torrential thunderstorm drenching a university graduation or writing down the address in the wrong town (neither of these are hypotheticals, incidentally), something is going to happen. We can throw fits about it, yell at the closest person about it — or we can bring ponchos for the seats and call someone for directions instead. Problem-solving is typically more helpful than problem-whining.

I’m not trying to be a Pollyanna here and tell you that things are always going to work out for the best — but the reality is, things often do work out for the best.

Take this one wedding I photographed a few years ago, at a beautiful oceanfront hotel in the wonderful state of Maine. Summer in Maine is typically pretty reliable, weather-wise, but sometimes it sneaks up on you. This was one of those times. The couple had their hearts set on taking photos down by the water, with the rocks and that freezing Maine coastal ocean behind them — a beautiful idea, except for the minor detail that we couldn’t see the ocean. The late-summer fog was so thick, in fact, that we could hardly see where the rocks ended and the ocean began — a treacherous place for anyone wearing a dress that expensive. Though they were disappointed, we went ahead with the waterfront photos anyway — and when the couple saw them later, they were absolutely thrilled. No, there was no sparkling blue Atlantic behind them, but instead they were shrouded in mist, standing on a rock that looked like it was floating in the middle of nowhere. The photo was beautiful, ethereal and completely one-of-a-kind — and it remains one of the photos that gets the most comments and praise from people who see it. We couldn’t control the weather, but choosing to go with it instead of fight it left us with an even better result than the original idea.

I wouldn't step any farther if I were you...

I wouldn’t step any farther if I were you…

Weather is the biggest culprit when it comes to unexpected adaptations, but it often results in the most creative or fun solutions, too. There was the bride who outfitted her entire bridal party in Wellies when it became clear that the rain-soaked lawn where the ceremony was to be held wouldn’t support any heels. Then there was the ingenious maid of honor who thought to wrap her friend’s elaborate hairdo in a black trash bag to get it (and her) safely to the church in the midst of a ferocious downpour. It didn’t look pretty at the time, but it saved the day, and the photos got a lot of laughs later on.

But weather isn’t the only source of surprises. I think family might actually take the cake (no pun intended) as far as that goes. While dealing with a vicious mother-in-law can be much more stressful than dodging a few hailstones, sometimes it’s not the catastrophe we imagine. As I’ve mentioned, my own wedding featured a self-appointed militia of friends responsible for preventing my mother from ruining anything despite her best efforts. While I wasn’t in charge of the photos that day, there were still plenty of amusing stories from my very creative friends. Then there was the bride who was absolutely insistent that her estranged sister not attend her wedding. They hadn’t spoken in nearly a decade, and the idea of having her there was horrifying to the bride. But what do you know, on the big day the sister magically appeared, and ten minutes later the two were crying and hugging. Problem solved — or rather, problem nonexistent.

There are so many moving parts to a wedding that it’s inevitable something will not go according to plan. While it’s easy to freak out about this, try to remember that the plan isn’t always the only way to go. Yes, sometimes bad things happen, but often they’re just things, in disguise as something bad. The point is, don’t sweat the small stuff, or even the kinda big stuff, until it’s actually making you sweat. And then get some strong friends to carry it away to a corner where it can’t cause trouble.

Save this reaction for when (if) you REALLY need it.

Any other suggestions for dealing with wedding-day surprises?

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